It all started, as it often does, with a tweet. I wish I could give credit where credit is due, but I honestly can’t remember who first tweeted that #OccupyDC had attempted to occupy the abandoned Franklin School at 13th & K NW. The link has since been updated, but at the time, there was a standoff between police and Occupiers. I grabbed my video camera, tweeted the following:
jumped in my car and headed downtown. And never made it. On the way there I managed to have a fender bender, which I promptly tweeted about as soon as I got home (don’t worry, everyone was alright):
It wasn’t long after that when someone, again I’d love to give appropriate credit but I honestly can’t remember who, retweeted Michael Moore‘s plea for a mission statement for Occupy Wall Street:
Oh dear Lord, this was just what I needed to take my mind off what had just happened. As I have mentioned before, I don’t write (or tweet) for anyone but myself, so I just started listing everything I thought of, whether it was an indictment of #OWS, something that made me laugh, or something that I actually wanted accomplished. And now, for the first time ever, with explanatory links and/or clarifying remarks where necessary, is the comprehensive list of my crazy night with Michael Moore:
2. Rose Bowl halftime show.
#OWS, The Musical!
4. Human ladder to the moon.
I don’t care what you think. This is funny. The mental image still makes me laugh.
5. Eau de #OWS at every fine perfumery.
6. Cold fusion.
Don’t get them started on cold fusion. Or any form of alternative energy.
7. First dog in Congress.
Well if Shelby can be elected leader of #OccupyDenver, who knows?
8. Make self-licking ice cream cones an actual thing.
I’m never sure if the things I say are things that everyone understands or if they’re terms that only people in the military understand.
9. Journey to the Center of the Earth!
10. A sense of personal responsibility.
11. Mutually assured destruction.
12. Dog/Human translators (like in Up)
13. World’s biggest twinkie. Mmmm. Twinkies.
14. Fix earth’s orbit. Leap years suck.
15. Get Timmy out of the well.
16. Get my dog to stop licking himself.
17. My job for 1 year. Or 1 month. Or even a day.
18. Human buckyball.
Almost as funny as that human ladder to the moon.
19. Hairiest. Chorus line. Evah.
20. Out-juggalo the Juggalos.
This mission may already have been accomplished.
21. Explain magnets. (Y’all saw that coming, right?)
22. Follow me on MySpace!
23. Coordinated urination 2 spell #GodBlessTheUSA on White House lawn.
24. Fight the commie invasion #RedDawn style.
25. Teach Jackie Chan English.
I love Jackie Chan movies. I really do. But compare how he speaks English in interviews with how he speaks in his movies. Just sayin’.
26. Fruit of the Loom costumes as a basic human right!
27. Reprogram cell phones so Big Brother can monitor 1%ers at all times
28. Get me more bitches and ho’s!
29. Figure out what happened to the Mary Celeste.
30. Buy the world a Coke.
31. Find out who put the ram in the ram-a-lam-a-ding-dong.
When in doubt, the answer is always The Muppets.
32. Hopscotch across America!
33. Pullout couches. In car trunks.
34. Potato powered clocks. Oh wait.
35. Bring me some liquor. And @keder a Twix.
36. Invent time travel. Don’t let Keanu Reeves make movies after Bill & Ted
This makes me laugh for several reasons. First, like they could ever get organized enough to invent a time machine. Second, Bill & Ted was about time travel, so there’s that self-licking ice cream cone again. Finally, I can absolutely imagine them accidentally inventing something useful and then using it for such an idiotic purpose. Oh how I crack myself up.
37. By day, dirty hippie. By night, masked crimefighter. #OWSMan
38. Indisputable proof of spontaneous human combustion.
39. Guiness World Record 4 biggest group to simultaneously run w/ scissors
40. Solve that whole dog anal gland thing. Seriously.
41. Signs in every elevator: “Kindly wait to fart until you exit. It’ll be, like, 2 minutes.”
This is a pet peeve of mine. I mean if you’re going to make me live in a nanny state, at least regulate the things I care about.*
42. A “Where the cool people hang out” button on my GPS.
43. Uncolorize films ruined by Ted Turner. Because black (& white) is beautiful.
44. Make green cards come in all different colors to reflect our immigrants’ diversity.
45. Zombie John Lennon.
46. Chimp SWAT teams. With helmet cams.
I don’t care what you think of Eddie Izzard, his politics, or his thoughts on gun ownership and the NRA. The thought of a monkey with a gun is hilarious.
47. Shatner/Muppets Bohemian Rhapsody mashup.
Of everything else I tweeted, this is the one thing I actually want. Seriously. I’ll pay $100 for a solid mashup of the two linked videos. I need to think through what the criteria for claiming the prize are…stay tuned.
48. National recognition of #PantsFreeFriday
49. Make humans digest corn. You know why.
50. Get @mikeroweworks as #OWS spokesperson. #DirtyJob
Not that he’d do it, at least as far as everything I know about him, but it would definitely be a Dirty Job.
51. Bring back Betamax.
52. Never let a raisin impersonate a chocolate chip.
53. Edible banana peels. Check out those apples.
54. Take one for the team. #TeamAmericaFuckYeah
55. Bring back wainscoting. That stuff rawks.
56. Check everyone to insure carpet matches drapes.
57. Escape from New York. Except don’t.
58. Bring respectability to the noble profession of taxidermy.
59. Figure out when, exactly, a cigar is just a cigar
60. Bring back teh funny on #SNL.
61. Since you’re downtown anyway…feed expired meters.
62. Giant game of red rover. LA vs. NY
63. Pogo sticks for everyone!
64. Harness the power of static electricity. #RubBabyRub
65. Take the answers away from Alex Trebek.
That smug bastard. Just once I’d like to see him on the other side of that podium.
66. Count the stars. Answer due Monday.
67. Oreo integration. No more black/white/black. Shades of gray.
68. Sleep number beds should only go up to 99, not 100. #WeAreThe99%
69. Phone booth trick. And by that I mean find a phone booth.
70. Dolphin surfing. The time has come.
71. Coast to coast flatulist choral arrangement w/ live streaming.
72. Star Trek captains MMA fight.
I may or may not just want to see Scott Bakula topless. The world will never know.
So that was it. I think I ended on a high note, despite there being a lot of duds. The interesting thing was that I gained a few more followers than suggestions I sent to Michael Moore, and considering that I only started with around 770 (Math Geeks of the World, Unite!), that was nearly a 10% increase in just a few hours. If only Twitter were the stock market. I have yet to hear back from him regarding any of these suggestions, but, as we say in the Navy, I’m on hot standby.