How To Make TSA Self-Sustaining

Everyone has been complaining about the TSA (Transportation Security Administration if you have been hiding under a rock) lately so I thought I’d inject a little humor.  One of the issues I noticed a few people bringing up is the fact that airlines are a private industry yet we, the American taxpayers, are providing security for them (and being subjected to the sometimes overzealous aspects thereof).  Having recently visited Hoover Dam, it occurred to me that it is in fact possible for some government-run entities to be self-sustaining.  Hoover Dam does it through the sale of the electricity they generate.  So here are some ideas for making TSA self-sustaining:

1.  Ever heard of FastPass?  OK, Disney would probably get mad if TSA used that name, but I’m sure TSA could think of something equally catchy.  For a premium, you get to go to a special, shorter, low-grope, no naked picture line.  Oh wait, they had that (CLEAR) and it went bankrupt (just so no one shoots me, it has been bought and is now operating in Orlando).

2.  For those of you out there who are exhibitionists, you may actually enjoy the full body scanner.  Here is your chance to combine that tendency with good old American capitalism.  You could join with TSA in a profit-sharing scheme in which they sell your image and you get some of the proceeds.  The only snag to work out is whether you get a one time fee (giving them the rights to use your image as often as they like) or whether you retain the rights to your image, in which case you would receive royalties every time your image was used.  I submit that both options should be available.  Think you’re hot?  Go for the royalties.  Not so hot?  Take the one time fee.

3.  Not into the exhibitionist thing but feeling a little lonely?  TSA should take their cue from Chippendales and the Playboy Bunnies.  They should hire a bunch of hotties and post their profiles online.  They should then allow customers (us) to make appointments with the agent of our choice.  Of course the most requested agents would come at the highest premiums, but no one would be complaining when their junk got grabbed.

I’m sure there are lots of other great ideas out there, so please add them to the comments section.


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